Posted in Life through the eyes/mind of recovering addicts!

My Favorite Prayers

Therepraying-hands is one prayer and two ways of saying it. This prayer has help me through so damn much I just wanted to share it! It’s actually a 4th step prayer:

Resentment Prayer:
“God, Please help me to be free of anger and to see that the world and its people have dominated me. Show me that the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, has the power to actually kill me. Help me to master my resentments by understanding that the people who wrong me were perhaps spiritually sick. Please help me show those I resent the same Tolerance, Pity and Patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend.** Help me to see that this is a sick man. Father, please show me how I can be helpful to him and save me from being angry. Lord, help me to avoid retaliation or argument. I know I can’t be helpful to all people, but at least show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. Thy will be done.”(66:2, 66:3, 66:4, 67:0, 67:1)
**Dear God, I have a resentment towards a person that I want to be free of. So, I am asking you to give this person everything I want for myself. Help me to feel compassionate understanding and love for this person. I pray that they will receive everything they need. Thank you God for your help and strength with this resentment.  (BB, Freedom from Bondage:  552)
These instructions are for the above prayer (Big Book, Freedom from Bondage, p. 552):
‘If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free…Even when you don’t really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.’
You can, also, include the Freedom from Bondage Prayer in the 4th Step Resentment Prayer.
An Example of Fear Prayer:
“God, thank you for helping me be honest enough to see this truth about myself and now that you have shown me the truth about my fears, please remove these fears from me. Lord, please help me outgrow my fears and direct my attention to what you would have me be. Father, demonstrate through me and help me become that which you would have me be. Help me do thy will always, Amen.”(68:3)

The prayers above were copied from http://friendsofbillw.net/twelve_step_prayers!

Posted in Life through the eyes/mind of recovering addicts!

Blessings From Above

powerful-mindHave you ever had those day where all your memories may be bad but everyone of them you think “wholly shit how the hell did I live through that?” or “man I should have been raped and beat a thousand times over again”. Yet here I am safe and sound. I also now know how to protect myself and I stay out of situations that can potentially get me hurt. I just thought it was amazing how every memory I have had today has been of something negative in my past yet all I could think is “how lucky was I”? Life is a blessing, it’s hard yes but it is a blessing. Everyday I get another chance at a new beginning, I get another chance to change another action of mine into something I will love, I get another moment to hear the sound of my children’s voices, I just get another chance! For that I am so blessed!

Posted in Life through the eyes/mind of recovering addicts!

The Storms A Brewing

storm-brewingHello again! It’s been a little while I know but hey I am still here. Up until Easter I felt great and at peace with myself.  Easter day I woke feeling like I wanted nothing more then a drink. If there would have been anything to drink in the house that day I would have been wasted by need. There wasn’t thank God for small miracles. I spent Easter avoiding everyone including the animals, I laid down all day and tried to sleep. That’s when I knew things were stirring up inside again! Holidays and Birthdays are very hard for me without my kids. So far I have survived Christmas, Easter, Thanks Giving and 2 of my children’s Birthdays. All I got left is my youngest son’s 18th Birthday next month which is going to be so hard, your kids only turn 18 once!

Me and my man are trying to make plans and more money to get out to see the kids this year so that will be so nice. Anyways since Easter I have been going through some rough times. I feel totally helpless a lot and I don’t know how to fix anything and it feels as if nothing is within my control. All these feelings and thoughts tear me apart at times. The only thing I know to do is pray but I am only human. I hope to be able to get a plan together or something that will help bring my spirits up and get me driven again. Lately I don’t even feed myself, why? well because I just feel like sleeping and forgetting the world exists. I’m getting better everyday. I do shower and I force myself to eat if I go for more then a day and a half or so without anything. I just have to try and think positive!

There’s my up-date everyone. Any suggestions or comments please feel free I love input and to be able to see my writing from someone else’s perception!

Posted in Life through the eyes/mind of recovering addicts!

Feeling Blessed!

Well lately not a lot has been going on in my life. My head is calm and at peace and has been for awhile now. It’s a beautiful day out the sun is shining the birds are singing. This morning my oldest son messaged me about his job. I love hearing from my kids when I wake in the morning it’s one of the best things in the world. I don’t care what they have to talk about but I just love hearing from them. Last week my youngest 15 year old daughter called me. I was worried because my kids message they don’t call. So I called her back all worried about what happened and she was calling to tell me she got her driving permit. Man that was so awesome, to hear the excitement in her voice just melts my heart. I thank God for my three beautiful amazing kids every day of my life. Had it not been for them I would still be strung out if not dead. They give me the strength to want to keep going they make me want to be a better person, they are my end all be all.

Anyways I’ll try and get on here more often thanks for continuing to read and follow my posts although they have been few and far between lately! Good day and God Bless!

Posted in Life through the eyes/mind of recovering addicts!

One Beautiful Day

Hello again! I took some time off from blogging. I have been sick and spending a lot of time in bed. Now that it’s getting warmer out I hope to be sick less often lol. Well so far my head and mind have been at peace! I believe this is the longest it has ever been at peace but I am enjoying the hell out of it. I mean yes sure I still get frustrated and I still have my moments and days where I wont speak to anyone just because I can’t but I think that for the most part that’s normal. Anyway it’s a beautiful and warm day out here in CA. I hope you all are getting nice weather wherever you are in the world. Me I am going to get out and enjoy the weather while it lasts! You all have a great day. God Bless!

Posted in Life through the eyes/mind of recovering addicts!

Update From My Vacation

van_gogh_s_starry_starry_night_with_castle_by_samartnphotos-d57qrg0Well like I said I did some soul searching while I was visiting my Mom. For a long time now I blamed my Mom on some things that happened to me in my childhood. I couldn’t forgive her and I didn’t know how. I prayed a lot while I was there because some close family members are taking the route of addiction and I got to be witness to it. With my prayer came an answer, the answer I have needed for a long time. I no longer blame my Mom for what happened in my childhood. I chose as a child to hold my feelings in and to create a “safe place” for me. I chose it because even then I had too much empathy. When I looked at my Mom all I could see was how overwhelmed she was, I could see her fear and most of all I saw her pain. Every time one of my brothers or sisters started fighting or yelling at Mom all I could do was see and feel her pain. Granted I wasn’t old enough to make that kind of decision at that young an age but I chose to try and protect my Mom over any and all my feelings and emotions.

I’m not mad at my Mom I’m mad at me, I’m mad at me for never having the strength to tell my Mom how I really felt or what was really going on. Had I been stronger my childhood would have be much different.  I honestly don’t know if this is the right answer but I do know that it has lifted some weight, I feel lighter and more at peace and it’s quite an awesome feeling!

Thank you all for reading my posts and your input is always appreciated. Have a great day and God Bless!

Posted in Life through the eyes/mind of recovering addicts!

Cold Morning

I just wanted to get on here and let you all know that I have not stopped blogging. I went to my Mom’s for a week and just got back a few days ago. We spent most of our trip sick and have been sick since getting back. I was able to do some soul searching on my little vacation (if you could call it that). I learned a lot about myself as well as a lot about other people. I’ll be posting about all that at a later time. I just got back online and need to take care of some business before blogging too much. Ya’ll have a great day and God Bless!