Posted in Life through the eyes/mind of recovering addicts!

Just today 3/7/17

good-things

I’ve been having some issues and have been talking it over on Facebook then it hit me, why the hell did I create a blog for this if I am not going to use it. So I am going to copy and paste my shit from today. I just hope that my crazy head will maybe help some people to either understand or to know that they are not alone.

Morning everyone. Well today will be my real challenge on the weed smoking. My head is fucked up and not in good places. But I’m fucking done with the weed. I’ll smoke it for bedtime. All it’s doing is allowing me to be comfortable enough in my life to deal with shit and in turn that allows me to be comfortable enough to not put every fucking thing I have into getting out of here. I can’t keep doing this shit, I need out and that shit is only costing money that could be going toward getting out of here. I’m so tired I am done with any extra luxuries until I get the fuck out. No cloths, no booze, no weed, no fucking nothing. I would rather put every dime I get towards getting out of here then toward making myself comfortable.

Well my head is too messed up to work or even think straight. I’m gonna lock me and the dogs in the trailer and hope I can sleep it off or cry it out soon. I know I can and will get through but man oh man being in my head without meds and now without weed it’s not pretty. But I am willing to fucking go through anything to get out now! I’ve been saying it for awhile now but now it’s time to stop talking and start acting. Hopefully I’ll be able to work a harvest here and finish this website and hopefully figure out another form of income soon. There’s gotta be a fucking a way damn it. It is not impossible, then why the fuck does it feel so impossible?
I think my head is just stuck in negative zone maybe I should go to a meeting and surround myself with faith and hope. I don’t know, I really wish I did. You would think that it would be easy to fix yourself, it’s far from easy!

All I could think about right now is damn I must have been way more horrible of a person then even I thought. I mean how many actions can one change about oneself before they actually start to feel better about themselves? Don’t get me wrong I am proud of what I have changed about myself so far and happy with the results. It just feels like I nearly have to change everything I have ever known to be true just to live with these people. I cannot be myself, I cannot speak my mind, I cannot go anywhere, I cannot do anything and it’s no ones fault but my own. I feel like I am here for nothing more but to please everyone but me again. How the hell? I always thought I had a good heart even when I wasn’t such a good person. Karma is killer and one day I really hope to get past all my past drama and start getting something good from the changes I have made. This is how I feel daily, I usually just smoke weed to cope and stay positive. Just FYI for those of you who don’t give a shit remember I really don’t give a shit about your o[pinions these vents are for me and my family and if you don’t like it kindly unfollow or unfriend please.

I can’t sleep! Not sure how to stop my head without dope, pills, booze or weed! I guess I’ll try to come up with some solutions for my shit! What I really need to do is sit with my boyfriend and the both of us together figure out what’s coming in and what bills are a must and what we can save, how much well need and how much time we need to do it. I gotta do something but without a plan I’m not sure where to start hell even with a plan I’m not sure how it will work out but at least that will give me something besides just faith to go on because I don’t know how much faith I got left. I wish there were easy answers and solutions but I’ve put myself here I’ll get myself out of it kills me! The rest of today I am going to read and try to get out of my head because I am so exhausted I’m not even sure I’m thinking clearly. I’ll do a out in a day or two when I come back and read my own shit. I hope you all have a great day when I get some emotional rest I’ll have more positive posts again! No more negative anything today, fake it till ya make it! God Bless all!

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Author:

Well I am a mother of three children (well not children anymore). I am also a recovering addict trying to figure out reality and healthy adult living. I guess you can say I am soul searching. I am a positive person who tries to see the glass as half full.

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