Posted in Life through the eyes/mind of recovering addicts!

Just trying to sort things out

clusterWhen I was actively using meth I was never in “reality”, I was in the reality that I created as a child to help protect me. As I grew older my “false reality” grew with me becoming bigger and stronger. Until one day I was nothing but a repeater. It’s almost like you are on autopilot. I even had a rotation that I discovered well after I cleaned up. Right around March every year my rotation started over. I would start fights with my other half so I could justify my horrible actions and blame them on someone else, then I would cheat, lie, steal, manipulate, and destroy everyone I loved piece by piece. Then I would “feel bad” (I’m not sure that I really felt bad I think that I know if I didn’t kiss ass I would have to move on to another person who would take care of me) so I would apologize somehow without taking responsibility for my own actions. I would be forgiven and then it would be all good fine and dandy until next year. I still haven’t figured out why March? I have changed many actions and I am now very loyal to my man but it seems like right around March I feel this deep dark pain and I still cant figure out why.

 

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Author:

Well I am a mother of three children (well not children anymore). I am also a recovering addict trying to figure out reality and healthy adult living. I guess you can say I am soul searching. I am a positive person who tries to see the glass as half full.

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