Well today God blessed me by giving me a break from my crazy head. Oh course I cried and prayed to death and went through horrible inner pain. I know it’s not over and that this is just a small break from my head, I know this from experience, every year around this time for anywhere between 3 and 6 months I go through emotional roller coaster. I noticed Yesterday that when I thought about my past at all rather it be childhood or having my own children I feel pain in my heart and my gut wrenches. When I thought of the here and now I got angry. I don’t understand emotions quite like most people after all I lived most of my life without any. So when I hurt in my heart all my head says is OMG get something to stop this NOW, but I know in my heart where that will lead me and to be honest I would rather feel pain for the rest of my life then to never feel again. It’s still challenging I have to battle myself everyday, every thought that comes into my head still cannot be trusted without me digging deep to insure that my thoughts are selfless to insure that I am not trying to “set the stage” so to speak.
I think what helped me the most were when I was really active in AA, NA and many other groups to help me with childhood trauma, communication and healthy boundaries. I miss those, today I am on my own, I lost my license a while ago and my choices have let me to live in the country far from jobs, meetings, social life period. When I chose to come here I though it would make it easier on me to be in a quiet private place so I could get to know myself. However I never fully thought it out I never thought about how hard it would be to get a job from here or to keep up on meetings and groups. Today I try to see it as a challenge that a God decided I needed and I believe that God never gives us more then we can handle (that got me through yesterday).
Sorry I will bounce from thing to thing because I am actively typing what comes to mind at that very moment, ha, ha welcome to my pin ball machine, today it’s easy because there are only a few balls on the table other days there may be hundreds.
I really hope that by keeping this blog up maybe I can find myself easier and perhaps there are some recovering addicts out there who are willing to share their advice or experience with me to help me along my journey. Lord knows we all need as much help as we can get.
I did wake up a bit inspired as well, inspired to get this blog really going. I have such high hopes, I better hold onto them while they last ha, ha.