Posted in Life through the eyes/mind of recovering addicts!

Demons playing in my head!

mr-hydeWell last night was not a good one. I am having anger and control issues really bad. I even went on facebook today and went off blaming someone else just as we all do at times. I did go back and correct it and own my own shit but I am having problems controlling my thoughts and anger. I think I now know why. I am mad as hell at myself for allowing myself to be so afraid of the consequences of being my honest self. I wish I could say that I have the utmost faith in my Higher Power but I can’t. I am afraid that if I mess up or even if I don’t mess up and somehow piss someone off I will get kicked out. Well we have 6 dogs and a bird and I am so afraid of what will happen to them all if we get kicked out. They are our family and we can’t give them up. I am feeling very trapped like there is no solution. I need to sit with my boyfriend and figure some things out I think maybe that will help.

good-vs-evilWhat I wouldn’t give for a break just one day to take my puppy and go be alone somewhere. I need to not feel responsible for everything and everyone else. I just don’t know how. Praying is the only way I know, I have been praying like mad and so far I am getting answers but for some reason the answers aren’t making me feel any better I feel like my stomach is in knots and I am constantly tense, my head hurts. I just want everything and everyone to take care of them damn selves and stop needing me for everything. It’s my own fault I know this. I spoil the hell out of these dogs and that is why they are inconsiderate ass holes. If I could be stern and force them to stay off the couch, beds and outside then I would feel better but I feel responsible. I feel like they are a bunch of children who harass me to open doors to let them in and out and in and out and I clean up shit and piss every where, I constantly have to yell at them to stop fighting to lay down to allow the other dogs to eat. Why do I feel so fricking responsible for these damn dogs?

I’m going to go lay my head down a bit and try to meditate for awhile. If anyone has any advice or suggestions please feel free. I need all the support I can get.

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Author:

Well I am a mother of three children (well not children anymore). I am also a recovering addict trying to figure out reality and healthy adult living. I guess you can say I am soul searching. I am a positive person who tries to see the glass as half full.

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