Well like I said I did some soul searching while I was visiting my Mom. For a long time now I blamed my Mom on some things that happened to me in my childhood. I couldn’t forgive her and I didn’t know how. I prayed a lot while I was there because some close family members are taking the route of addiction and I got to be witness to it. With my prayer came an answer, the answer I have needed for a long time. I no longer blame my Mom for what happened in my childhood. I chose as a child to hold my feelings in and to create a “safe place” for me. I chose it because even then I had too much empathy. When I looked at my Mom all I could see was how overwhelmed she was, I could see her fear and most of all I saw her pain. Every time one of my brothers or sisters started fighting or yelling at Mom all I could do was see and feel her pain. Granted I wasn’t old enough to make that kind of decision at that young an age but I chose to try and protect my Mom over any and all my feelings and emotions.
I’m not mad at my Mom I’m mad at me, I’m mad at me for never having the strength to tell my Mom how I really felt or what was really going on. Had I been stronger my childhood would have be much different. I honestly don’t know if this is the right answer but I do know that it has lifted some weight, I feel lighter and more at peace and it’s quite an awesome feeling!
Thank you all for reading my posts and your input is always appreciated. Have a great day and God Bless!